Searching for what?

Was cleaning up my hard drive when I came across this short write-up...written during my freshman year in college when I was trying to figure out a new major. Maybe it can help someone to see how lost I was, because it did get better.

23rd October, 2005

I’m searching. I don’t even really know for what at this point, but I need to find it. Am I making the right moves? I know some aren’t right, but I’m working on those. The ones that bother me are just so up in the air.

My time: Is this worth it? Am I making the best use of it?

I thought it was homesickness, and I’ll admit that is a large part even still, but now there seems to be so much more to it. This has been keeping me up at nights. Upsetting my stomach. Drawing me into seclusion. I’m pushing away any form of “solid ground” here because (I think) I seem to not see myself staying here. Or something.

Do what makes you happy. That’s a fine phrase. Until someone doesn’t honestly know anymore what makes them “happy.” That’s where I am I guess. Ultimately that’s what I’m searching for, right? Why is it so difficult for me to do that? I thought I had found it, but that seems so impure and jaded now. At least I think it does. Anyway, I spent a solid two hours tonight walking and thinking about what truly would make me happy. Nothing. I drew a blank. All I ended up doing was exhausting my mind even more. Am I supposed to search for it? Or will it just come to me? I am so lost right now!

More than anything I’m frustrated with myself. I’ve always said (at the risk of sounding “cocky”), “I’m good at everything and great at nothing.” My problem is, I want to be great at something! I want to excel at something because it is when I excel that I am happy. That’s part of the reason I’m looking back at what I decided before, I’m not having as much fun with it as I was. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I don’t care. I thought I was picking something I could excel at, and all I do now is see how middle-of-the pack I feel.